From the Depths of Sorrow
From the Depths of Sorrow is a series in which I reveal my heart and personal journey through my grief. Our son, William, passed away at age 11 months and 10 days on April 24, 2012. He is dearly missed by everyone in our family and we hope to live a life worthy of reuniting with him and our first child that we lost through miscarriage.
The Question of Why?
Shortly after William passed away someone asked me if I had asked God, “Why?” I hadn’t asked the question nor did I feel compelled to ask. I don’t think it is a question to be answered. It is not for me to understand. It is just for me to accept. I categorize it like any other mystery of faith. Something for me to understand fully later but for now just to accept.
God knows what is best. He knows what HE is doing and so I need not ask “Why?”. I just ask Him to help me to accept His Holy Will. I ask for strength to accept that which has happened. I ask Him to help me to submit myself completely to Him. I ask for help so I can trust Him completely.
I have felt tempted to ask “Why?” in the past but I didn’t. I feel to ask God “Why?” is futile. For me it means not trusting and needing some other answer than- God loves us all. He does what is best for us all so that is the answer to “Why?”. For me, to expect anything more to that answer is to not trust my Heavenly Father’s decisions/actions/will. I think of it in these terms and so I don’t desire to ask the question.
Sometimes I want to say, “No Thank You”. I don’t want this situation, it is too hard. I want to step out and away from it but I can’t walk out- I am in it. It is mine, it has been given to me. It is real, no matter how I would like to say this is not for me- it doesn’t fit. Nevertheless it belongs to me. It is who I am. I have lost a child, it is real. It is not a dream; it is not a misunderstanding. It is not something I have any power to change or control. It is true with or without me. It is mine whether or not I accept it.
by Veronica Wallace
This is not a choice but real
The pain I feel
This is not a dream but today
My life awake
This is not an offer to permit or deny
All is mine
This is not for consideration or debate
Truth will wait
This is not to change or control
Nowhere for me to go
This is not something to refuse or reject
I pray for the strength to just accept
I choose to accept. It is not a one time choice but a recurring one.