From the Depths of Sorrow is a series in which I reveal my heart and personal journey through my grief. Our son, William, passed away at age 11 months and 10 days on April 24, 2012. He is dearly missed by everyone in our family and we hope to live a life worthy of reuniting with him and our first child that we lost through miscarriage.

Inside My Heart

Sometimes the sorrow is crushing.  I find it hard to imagine anything hurting more because this is the most I've ever hurt.  My sadness weighs on me like a ton of bricks crushing my spirit.  I feel in the depths of sorrow.  Sometimes when I am here it is painful beyond belief.  Sometimes when I am there it is enlightening.

I go down deep to a place that has stripped me of everthing.  I feel completely barren and the only thing I have to cling to is faith.  When all is gone only God is left.  I think of Him like this rock that is strong and I thrust myself upon Him.

I realize just how little I am in this universe.  I realize how nothing matters but loving God by loving others.  I feel completely emptied of the cares of this world.  I liken it to being on my death bed.  Does anything really matter at that point?  All that is left is to go out of this world. 

From the Depths of Sorrow

by Veronica Wallace

Locked away in darkness

This is where I want to be

Gloom can encompass me

Sorrow can envelop me

Pain can consume me

Heartache can discourage me

Suffering can become me

I remain among the living and my vocation calls me to be in this world of needing to do stuff.  I am called to care about the little things that seem so unimportant.  I am called to care about the big things that do need my attention.  I am called to continue despite my grief.  I struggle to continue and go very slow, clinging to my rock.

Never Alone

by Veronica Wallace

I do not cry in secret

Away from God's eyes

I do not suffer by myself

No, He is not standing by me

Saying everything will be okay

He is not comforting me

Telling me to be at peace

When I am in the depths

In the Garden of my agony

God sorrows with me 

We sang the following verse in Church one day and I identified with it so readily that I wrote it down when I got home.  "And when human hearts are breaking under sorrow's iron rod, Then we find that self-same aching deep within the heart of God."  Timothy Rees hymnographer

Remember when you are suffering, God sorrows with you.

A New Series to Begin

When we were at the hospital with our son William, a wonderful friend came to the hospital bringing a box of goodies.  In that box was a 3 ring binder filled with blank paper and this has been one of the greatest comforts to me.  Starting that day, our family took turns writing to William, to God, our thoughts, etc...  I have kept writing and have filled many pages in that notebook.  It allows me to pour my emotions and insights out of me and onto the paper. 

The binder has gone with me pretty much everywhere I go.  I write in it almost everyday.  I've revealed my heart in a very personal way.  I have written and talked with friends about William's death and a few have mentioned that I should blog my thoughts or share with others.  At first I took these requests lightly not thinking anyone would really want to read the musings of a grieving mother.  I prayed about it and gave it to God.  I told Him in prayer that if I was asked again to share or someone told me that it benefited them that I would share it publicly.  Weeks have past since then and today on the phone a friend told me how much they liked reading my emails and knowing about how we are doing.

So I've decided to dedicate a series to sharing my grief and revealing my sorrows and thoughts to others.  I am no expert in bereavement or theology.  My words are just my words and are not meant to be anything more.  If you find it helpful to your life, great.  If you find it depressing, then my apologies ahead of time and skip this series entitled "From the Depths of Sorrow". 

Subtitles in this series include: 

The Question of Why?

The Gift of Tragedy

Fruits of Sorrow

Ministering to the Grieving

"What Could Have Been" Dilemma 

Please keep in mind that my posts in this series are my own thoughts and feelings and are not meant to criticize nor extol others feelings or beliefs.  They are simply my viewpoint which is one among many.

In Search of Motivation

Usually by this time of year, my research is nearing the end and I am ready to start ordering materials.  This year is quite different.  I've shelved everything and my excitement is lacking.  Perhaps the thought of planning a new school year is making you feel overwhelmed too.  If this be the case then join me in the search for motivation.

My God

He has given me these wonderful children to spend my days enjoying and loving them.  He has entrusted me to provide them with guidance that will one day lead to glorious eternity.  I can't let Him down.

My Children

I want them to be excited about school and enjoy learning.  I want them to see our future days as an adventure that leads them to exploration and discovery of their abilities and talents.  I can't let them down.

My Husband

He doesn't question my choices and is totally supportive.  He puts full trust in that our children will be well educated and gives me plenty of love to make it happen.  I can't let him down.

Myself

I know why I started homeschooling in the first place.  I have totally embraced this lifestyle and feel that it rewards me beyond my expectations.  I don't want that to stop.  I can't let myself down.

So now I encourage you to make your own list if you are looking for that motivation.  Why are you homeschooling?  It doesn't have to be a long list but a quality one.  I need to remember that even when I don't feel like moving forward there are many reasons why I should do it anyways. 

I know once I get started reviewing and researching that my excitement will begin to grow again. 

I know some days I won't want to even look at materials. 

I know in the end it will get done because of the reasons listed above.  

I don't know how long it will take me to accomplish.

This will be a learning experience for myself and my kids.  Doing something good and right even when it isn't easy will be the first lesson for the next school year!